i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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