You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
40s are totally the cure
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Randomize
