I haven't been this sober since birth.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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