Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
