i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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