thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
