I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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