hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
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