Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
