I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
