We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
if only i could text you this smell
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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