I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
