I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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