I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize