Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
