I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So gin and wine won't be happening again
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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