i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Of course I have a pirate flag
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
