thus making me awesome and them whores
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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