five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
lets start a swedish sibling band together
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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