don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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