Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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