Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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