you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
