It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
