is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
