if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
