Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
