I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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