I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
