Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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