I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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