my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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