Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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