Moan for me like Helen Keller
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
