what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
