i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
