dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Randomize
