Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
