Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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