Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize