yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
