When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
