so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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