Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
