babies were throwing up all over the place
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
