Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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