I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
