im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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