Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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