This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You need a sexual gate keeper
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
