Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
