i think my tv is drunk
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
God I need to hump something, right now.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
