Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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