oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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