I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
