Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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