true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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