1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
