she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
