I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
