i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
