The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
