my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
