mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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